


Solace

by eggshits



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Sadstuck, Self-Harm, Slurs, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 19:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2704247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggshits/pseuds/eggshits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is John Egbert, and your best friend has just committed suicide. And it is truly, truly your fault.</p><p>Note: I reread this and realized how shitty it is as a fic so it's being rewritten and probably will be updated very soon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Broadripple is Burning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was based off the song Broadripple is Burning by: Margot and the Nuclear So and So's 
> 
> The song can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXTVDUYIZs8

Dave was seated cross-legged in his swivel chair, the screws squeaking in protest as he moved around. He looked as if he had just finished crying, his eyes were puffy and it seemed like tears were threatening to spill.

Despite his appearance, once he began to speak, his voice was smooth and sounded just like normal.

Just like Dave.

Normal Dave.

“Sup Egbert. So I’m assuming you’re going to be watching this in the future. I dunno, after my death or some shit. I’m not even sure if this is going to reach you. I told Karkat to forward these videos to you and I know I can trust Shouty, but still. I even set a password on this shit, fuck.

“Anyways, as you probably can tell, there were a shit ton of tapes and videos. And being the little cute shit you are, you probably watched them in order---which is good. That’s what I was hoping, anyways.”

Dave paused.

“That means you know what I’m gonna do in this video.”

You feel nauseous and fearful at the same time.

“Look John I just want you to know that none of this was ever your fault. I know you like to do shit where you just go and fuckin’ blame yourself for everything that’s wrong in the world, like, global warming and the polar bears are dying? Holy shit, it’s obviously John Egbert’s fault. Children are starving in Sub-Saharan Africa? Goddamn you, John. Everytime.

“No. Not this time, so you can shut it, Egbert. If anything, you helped me through this. You helped me so much John and I hope you understand that.”

Why can’t Dave stay?

“And I fuckin’ know that whenever you’re watching this, you’re blaming yourself again. You’re probably thinking, ‘But Dave if I helped you, then why are you doing this to yourself?’” He used a pre-pubescent, high-pitched voice and pushed up his aviators as if they were slipping down his nose to exaggeratedly mock you.

“But hey, the thing is that you can’t fix me or my situation. This isn’t a temporary problem. I just can’t handle _living_.”

You wanted to cry.

You wish he was here.

So you could laugh and giggle and jokingly punch him in the arm,

Tell him that he was a loser and he should cut it out.

That he should stop playing around.

Then you could see him again.

You could see him _alive_ again.

“But hey, John you don’t. You don’t get it, okay? You tried to understand and I appreciate that so fucking much, bro. But you’ll never know what it is I’m going through unless you went through it yourself.

“And I’m sorry.”

He carded a hand through his hair and sat back in his seat, swerving the chair slightly from side to side.

“It’s just dumb that I’m opening up to a camera, and that you will probably never understand why I did it. Or why I made these videos. I doubt you would even find these.”

He sighed and pushed up his hoodie sleeves, the fabric coiling up and his pale skin showing. But it wasn’t a milky pale anymore, it was more of a sickly pale. There were scars all up his arms with deep brown dried blood scabbing over different, newer cuts. Any open space was taken up by a scar and all you think about was that Dave had done that to himself.

He looked like fragile glass waiting to break.

“I messed up, John. And I don’t even have a _story_  to tell. I can’t tell you about some physical or mental abuse I was faced at a young with age because that never happened. Dirk was a perfectly fucking fine--better than fine--brother and I had everything I needed. John, I messed up my own life somewhere along the way and it’s my fault I feel like shit.”

Dave’s voice cracked and you could see his nonchalant façade starting to fade away. He let out a dry laugh.

“I’m so broken, nothing can fix me. Even if one day things started getting better, I would still be a fuck-up. I’m legitimately useless. I’m like that one mistake you made with a Sharpie or some shit in middle school. Like the irreversible, disgusting stain on your clothing or the permanent fuck up you had on an assignment. And this is none of that ‘Use vinegar, salt, and lemon to get rid of stain’ or ‘You can bring up your grade’ shit. Nah bro, this is something even Oxiclean or some tutoring can’t do shit for.”

His lips quirked up into a weak smirk. “Heh, you know I can still ramble. That’s something.”

Despite his joking words, you know he was addressing something that he couldn’t bear talking about. The hidden message behind his funny and nonchalant guise was legitimately hurting him.

And you didn’t notice.

All you wanted to do right then was reach out and hold him through the screen.

His facial features went from snarky and supercilious to just downright sad. And it’s not that he was frowning or sobbing, but as the smile disappeared, it was as if his inner feelings rose to the surface.

“As for my last words, John. I really hope you find someone someday. I hope that you can forget about me because I’m not someone you should get too hung up over.”

But you know you’re hurting more than anything.

You can’t forget him.

“…Tell Rose she was like a fucking sister to me and that her advice helped temporarily. She kept me here a little bit longer and I think she should go and be a badass writer, because shit some of those stories were tear-jerking, bro. Or pursue her actual degree and go be a psychologist because she was one of the best people to go to for my ‘Let’s Talk About My Fucking Feelings’ sessions—I mean, even though she manages to pry open my mind every single time I want to keep things to myself.”

He gave a half-hearted chuckle where the corner of his mouth just barely twitched upwards.

“Tell her I love her very much.”

You don’t think you’ll ever be able to recite those words to Rose.

It would hurt too much to bring him up anymore.

Your heart is breaking.

The time Dave has left in the video is running out.

You won’t have him with you anymore when the video finishes.

You begin to cry.

“And as for Jade, tell her that she was the best temporary girlfriend I could’ve ever had at the age of fifteen. I hope she lives out her life sleeping, and hanging out with pumpkins and cute animals. Heh, shit I wouldn’t be who I am without her.”

Dave paused for a long time and you’re sure that the most lighthearted part of this video was over.

He looked over to the other side of his desk.

“Hey, uh, look John,”

Dave leaned over and snatched up an object. Your brows furrowed slightly as you tried to see what it was. As he resumed his seat in his computer chair, he pressed a notch on the side and flicked out a blade.

Your eyes widened and you couldn’t stop the dropping feeling in your gut if you tried. And despite the fact he wouldn’t be able to hear you, you shook your head and spoke softly, “N-No, don’t do it.”

Dave paused.

“Here, look.” He scooted up in his chair and nudged himself a bit closer to the web camera, pushing up his hoodie sleeves even further.

He held up his forearm to the camera and displayed all his scars, all the jagged lines running all across his pale skin. He used his shaking pointer finger to mark an invisible “X” on the unscarred area just on top of the prominent veins on his wrist.

“I’ve been saving that spot.”

You can’t stop the tears.

“You know, I’ve actually wondered the day that I would snap those veins. Which day I would decide to _see_ the life flow out of me.”

He looked at the blade in his hand, as if he was scrutinizing the edges.

“And I think that through these videos, I’ve said everything that I need to say.”

Your heart is beating so fast you think it’s going to rip out of your chest.

The quick and harsh thumping is evident in your ears and everything feels like it’s falling apart too quickly.

“But John, I want you to know that when I take my own life, I’m going to be happy.

Dave smiled at the camera in a last attempt to shield his sorrow from you. But you could see how pale he had become over the past few months---the drastic change in his skin color over the last couple of videos you’ve watched.

“I really am. I’m going to be happy for the first time in a long-ass time.”

Dave nodded to himself, as if he was reassuring himself, and looked down at his forearm.

Your crying was stuttered by hiccups.

It hurts.

It hurts more than anything to see him like this.

“I’m going to be better now.”

He took a shaky breath and gripped the blade’s small handle, his knuckles turning white and hands shaking.

“I’m finally going to be okay.”

You’re sobbing and trying to stifle the helpless whines and choked noises coming from you. It hurts even more to know that you already know what’s going to happen, what he’s going to do to himself, and you weren’t there to help.

His face contorted and he bit his lip harshly.

“Shit, I’m fucking awful, aren’t I?” The words were choked and small and weak, so much that it seemed like it wasn’t even a question anymore.

You suddenly felt a surge of anger and pain and horror and you couldn’t take it.

“NO, YOU AREN’T!” You shouted at your computer screen, your hands were carding through your hair, gripping so tightly you felt like you were going to tear it all out.

Dave’s brows furrowed in concentration as the hand holding the blade went under the desk to his other arm.

“DAVE!!!” You screamed, your voice cracking.

Both of his forearms were hidden under the desk, but

 

You could see the moment when he put the blade to his skin.

 

You could tell.

 

The way the corner of his mouth slightly twitched.

 

The stutter in his breath as he pushed the blade across his skin.

 

The slight purse to his lips.

 

And you couldn’t do anything about it.

 

“I-I’m going to be o-okay.” Dave’s voice was weak and shaking and he’s…

…

Smiling.

It’s not forced.

It’s sweet and peaceful and,

He’s happy.

He’s so fucking happy and you’ve never seen him so pleased with whatever life has presented him.

You’re sobbing in your bedroom, attempting to sputter out refusals to let Dave know that no, he is not awful, and he doesn’t deserve this, and that you want him to fucking stop. To rewind.

But no, no no no no this is happening and he can’t fucking hear you.

Dave took off his shades and gave one last look at his web camera before smiling softly once again.

 

The smile was so faint, so weak.

 

His once bright crimson eyes were dull.

 

You could see the pain swirling in his irises.

 

All the sorrow built up from years past.

 

And at that moment, Dave reached over with a trembling hand and ended the video.

 

Your computer screen went black.

 

…

 

Dave was gone now.

 

…

 

You never got to say goodbye.

~0~

Your name is John Egbert and today is the first day of 8th grade.

Currently, you are sluggishly walking through the nearest Staples, dragging your feet along the carpeted floor and finding all the supplies you need for school. You begrudgingly go through the aisles, picking up packs of pencils and pens. Your father told you that you were making a big fuss out of nothing, but to be honest, you just didn’t want summer to end.

All summer vacation was spent going over to Dave’s apartment and playing videogames, teaming up on Mariokart, and trading pokemon on your new Gameboy Advances. Super Awesome Cool Sleepovers--- it was the name that you had come up with for these special nights---took place nearly every weekend, the two of you would hide under your selective blankets (Dave’s was decorated with card suits while yours had the slime monster from Ghostbusters) and the sound of clicking buttons from your Gameboys would be the only sound in the room. Due to the light from your Gameboy screen that you had to squint to see, you got glasses later in the summer.

Mornings after would be spent in his kitchen, eating cereal in your boxers, and talking to each other about what the two of you would do during the day. Most of the time, you and Dave would invite your sister Jade and his cousin Rose over to go bike riding or adventuring in the woods next door.

After a few weeks into summer break, the four of you had ventured out and found a nearby lake. That had slowly turned into the place where you and your friends would meet. Most days would be spent swimming in the lake, splashing each other, and laughing until your guys’ chests hurt. Sometimes, you would splash water in Dave’s face and he would splutter it out before swimming after you. Most of the time, you would laugh and he would too.

But, something that sort of bothered you was that on the days that you guys did swim, you noticed that Dave glanced over at you a lot.

And you mean, a lot a lot.

You didn’t mind, but you just thought it was kinda weird that he would glance over at you when you got into your swim shorts. Whenever you were shrugging off your shirt and hooking your fingers in your belt loops to pull your khakis off, his eyes would slowly stray over to you.

And something even weirder was that when you met his gaze, he would look away, seeming as if he wasn’t staring just seconds before!

Dave is _so_ dumb sometimes.

You didn’t really care all that much anyways.

To you, it didn’t seem like a huge deal!

You mean, if he wanted to start a staring contest then he should’ve just asked!

Rose would give you a few _looks_. And they made you feel a little uncomfortable. She would smirk and wiggle her eyebrows jokingly while Dave was staring.

Ugh, Rose is dumb too.

Huff.

Aaanyways, changing the topic now! (Super smooth transition; you like to think you’re basically the master of smooth :B)

You had had LOADS of fun on most of the days you swam!

But uh,

There was one day when you swam a little too far into the lake.

When you think about it actually, you can only recall the feeling of your feet no longer touching the lake floor, the feeling of emptiness all around you, and the fear creeping through you as you tried to swim back up but a plant catching your ankle. You were entirely submerged in the murky lake water and it felt like it wasn’t the same shimmering, bright blue lake you had seen on that first day when you had first discovered it. You thrashed around but you only got more tangled in the plant and anxiety quickly spread through you. As you choked and coughed on the water, air escaped your lungs.

Dave, Rose, and Jade were all at the lake side and although they didn’t notice it at first, Dave noted your head barely bobbing above water and the splashing waves of water resulting from your constant writhing and lashing.

He had automatically dived into the water.

Swimming to the center of the lake, he went under the surface to untangle the plant from your foot with some difficulty. You rose to the surface, coughing and sputtering, clinging to Dave’s figure as he swam back to shore.

Rose and Jade were worried sick about you and your wheezing and gagging did nothing to settle their fear. You were tightly wrapped up in a towel and Jade, Rose, and Dave helped you back to your house to sit down.

They then discussed how they would never let that happen again.

By “never let it happen again”, you mean to say that you guys never went back to the lake.

As much as you loved summer vacation that year---despite that one day---it eventually had to come to an end sometime or another.

You snapped out of your thoughts and realized that the two and a half months of vacation didn’t seem to be that long anymore when the cashier was scanning all the barcodes of the school supplies you had gathered.

Once you had gotten home and your father told you to head to bed, the summer sleepovers with Dave lasting until 3 am in the morning came up in your mind. You squirmed around in bed, tossing off your sheets and then pulling them back on constantly. Your mind was occupied with memories from the summer. And on top of that?? The fan always seemed to make the room too cold while the blankets made it too hot! Ugh, annoying.

The thing is, all you really could think about was that if you were over at Dave’s right now---having one of your Super Awesome Cool Sleepovers---the two of you would be eating pizza and daring each other to put hot sauce on each other’s food. Or maybe you two would be playing Mariokart and shoving each other’s shoulders to try and cheat.  
Or! Or maybe you two would be wrestling for the last Coca-Cola in the fridge.

Dave was the bestest friend (And you know you spelled that wrong! Ugh, Jade would totally be on your case for that. Superlative adjectives bluh, bluh, bluh! Whatever!!) in the whole world. Heh, the times you spent with him were the best times; you don’t think you would be able to live without him!

You smiled softly to yourself at the recollection of the summertime memories and it took until nearly 12 am for you to finally fall asleep.

You’re going to miss summer.

You just know it.

~0~

Today is the first day of 8th grade. You’re in your first period class lined up with all new classmates---with the exception of Dave, Rose, and Jade heh---against the wall. The line of teens slowly narrowed down as the teacher called up your names and pointed to a desk for you to be seated at. You, coincidentally, were seated right next to Dave. Rookie mistake, you thought to yourself.

You and Dave were always a riot in class, of course he was never as loud as you were, so you were always the one who got moved. But the two of you were a pair, it was never just “John” or just “Dave”. The two of you were “John and Dave”, always connected at the hips, never separating.

And today was no different.

~0~

In your class, you met these two new kids named Karkat and Terezi. They’re a riot and you couldn’t ask for anything funnier. They tease and insult each other in a way that just exudes friendship, you think that’s a little ironic. With your newfound friends (Hehehe “newfound”. Do you know what that means? Reusing your old jokes, hell yeah!!), you sat down at your normal lunch table with Dave, Rose, and Jade.

“Are you FUCKING serious?”

“Kaarkat. You _know_ you’ll get in trouble if you keep swearing like a sailooor” Terezi said in a singsong voice.

“Oh shut it, Rezi and let me fucking reply to _this_ dumba---OW!!” Terezi smacked Karkat over the head with her cane and he growled while rubbing at the back of his head.

“You didn’t have to fucki---OW JESUS MOTHER FU---PYROPE!!!” Terezi cackled almost maniacally as she quickly picked herself up from your guys’ lunch table and ran off with Karkat chasing after her.

Dave nudged you and motioned over to Karkat and Terezi who were chasing each other around the lunch tables. Surprisingly, Terezi was the one swiftly moving between the tables and jumping over chairs while Karkat was tripping and clumsily bumping against people. You always wondered how Terezi did everything so smoothly with her whole “blind” thing.

“Bro, Karkat’s definitely got the hots for Terezi, it is undeniable. It’s practically the truth. He even calls her ‘Rezi’ like who the fuck does that? No one else. See, it’s as obvious as saying you’re a dork, or Rose is some psychoanalysis therapist chick that delves into the minds of all her friends and pulls out all their secrets.” Rose raised an eyebrow to question Dave, as if she was daring him to say another word. You think you saw Dave shrink a little.

You elbowed him in the side and stuck your tongue out at him. “You’re an idiot, and I’m not the dork here. You’re the fucking doork.”

“Hey Egbert, I’m not the one who wears Ghostbusters boxers.”

Your face tinted a shade of pink and Jade practically jumped up on the table, giggling incredulously. “Oh my god, John I knew you were passionate about Ghostbusters, but…” She raised an eyebrow while Rose smirked and laughed softly under her breath.

“I suppose it seems that was a valuable piece of information that John is quite uncomfortable with you sharing, David.” Rose said, with a small amused smirk plastered on her face.  
“The name’s not David, Rose. Goddamn, get it right. I mean, how long have we known each other? Like two years? Exactly. And it’s not like this should be a mystery or anything. Jade’s laughing her ass off over there. We all basically knew, we just didn’t get the confirmation we needed. And summer sleepovers sure were all the confirmation _I_ needed.”  
You shifted in your seat and huffed, your face burning red. You were going to get revenge!

“Come on, Dave, don’t make me talk about that time when I made you piss yourself! Now, that would be just rude, wouldn’t it? But hey, I gotta say, a cup of warm water can do wonders.” You grinned almost devilishly and you could see Jade out of the corner of your eye clapping a hand over her mouth and laughing.

“You _know_ pranks are basically the free add-on to the Super Awesome Cool Sleepover package?” Dave flipped you off then and looked away while crossing his arms, but the two of you knew that you were even.

Strider: 1 Egbert: 1

“See Egbert, even the name you came up with for our sleepovers was dorky as fuck. Chill, bro. If you talk any more your dorkiness will rub off on me and no longer will I be the most prestigious cool kid in all the fucking land.”

“Language.” Rose spoke up and smiled amusedly at Dave.

Karkat then returned to the table, a scowl present on his face (not that you should forget to mention the deep flustered blush on his face and black lipstick stain on his cheek), with Terezi trailing behind him, grinning like a fool and swinging her cane around victoriously.


	2. Pumping Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was based off the song Pumpin Blood by: NONONO 
> 
> The song can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUT49JWxiz8

You can’t imagine walking in on your best friend with his wrists slit.

You can’t imagine the pain his brother was in when he had found Dave.

You cannot ever, ever handle the sight of dark crimson red blood surrounding his collapsed body, and his prized aviators shattered on the floor next to his face.

Everything inside of you _aches_  because it feels like there’s a missing piece to the puzzle and you’re no longer complete. He was a part of you for so long, how could he just leave? How could he leave without letting you say goodbye goddamnit you’re shaking you’re shaking so much it hurts it hurts too much. You want to hold him, you want to tell him that you’re so sorry, you’re so fucking sorry you had to just choose that weekend to leave it was a required trip for your major and you thought he was going to be perfectly fine and you could’ve come home sooner but you didn’t and oh god you left him you left him and he _felt_  so alone but he wasn’t and he kil

Your fingers are trembling and you feel like throwing up, but you know you need to calm down. 

You take a deep breath and sigh it out.

Your heart slows down a little, but your throat refuses to do anything but close up, because you know his body is still in there.

Still in the hospital with the white walls and the white doors and white tile floors,

With the doctors in the white coats and the bright, white lights.

It just bugs you to know that Dave wouldn’t like it in there. You know the lights would strain his sensitive eyes and the hospital gown would be uncomfortable as hell. He hates being in those kinds of places, he absolutely hates them. Hospitals were always too bland and depressing for him; he would always tell you that during the times he had to go to the emergency room due to terrible injuries from strifes, he would have the sudden impulse to just splash paint over the walls and add color to the blank spaces. He told you that, because he was musically-inclined, the simple blank areas reminded him of a simple major triad, but he informed you that it could be so much more. It could be augmented or minor or even diminished, it could form cadences and beauty and intricate music. He was always bothered by basic foundations that never became much more. And you think that that’s what he wanted to do with his life. He wanted to make something simple so, so much more, but he fucking ended his life before he could do that.

Nope nope not going down that road again. Fuck that.

You think about something else before you can even begin trembling.

You ponder that if he were awake, he would definitely be doing the dumbass thing where he doesn’t show his emotions, but he would just barely scratch at his elbow and purse his lips slightly. That’s how you always knew when he was uncomfortable.

You always knew a lot of things about Dave.

You knew his little habits.

Like how he always took apart his sandwich piece by piece before eating it, or how he always, _always_  orders a double cheeseburger from McDonald’s when he goes there, or how he sings along to Celine Dion in the shower even with your scorn.

You wish you could still smile when you thought about Dave, but he’s lifeless.

His body’s almost shut down completely.

Because around an hour after he had committed suicide, his brother wanted to visit him, but instead had found him in your apartment (it used to be Dave’s too you guess) and brought him to the hospital while you were still in Catalina.

You’re pretty sure that was the first time you had seen Dave’s brother cry.

The suicide attempt was deemed fatal within the first couple of minutes of observation by the doctor himself, four nurses, and three other professionals. And even though they told Dave’s brother to “hang in there” and that “there’s still a chance he’ll wake up”,

Dave’s in a coma. And you’re afraid he’s not going to wake up.

But the thing is that you did a lot of research in the waiting room on your phone. And something you had found was that slitting the wrists had a very, very slim chance of working. A six percent chance to be exact according to one of your sources. That provided you with an extreme amount of hope that you had to suppress.

You couldn’t get your hopes up just yet.

Not yet.

You just really, really want him to wake up, because you need him; you need him so much it hurts. Your chest aches with held-back tears and stuttering breaths because there's a possibility that he isn’t here anymore. His presence in your life is dissipating and you can no longer handle even looking in the direction of his room. Memories rise to the surface and you have to stop yourself before you begin to suffocate from every other word you’d ever said to him.

Because one of the things you’ve learned as you grew up and went to college was that things are different when you’re an adult. Things are different because as people get older they begin to realize the world is a sad place. A really sad, fucked up place.

Of course you were well aware that there were people suffering with depression and anxiety and mental illnesses in high school, but you never thought that _Dave_  was one of them.

He was the cool kid, the guy who had a girlfriend before anyone else did. He was the kid who didn’t stand up for the pledge and could flatter or infuriate a teacher in two seconds flat. He got good grades, he was on the honor roll, he was musically talented.

How could he have been suffering?

How could you not have known?

~0~

Summer vacation was really great!

Well, you guueeesss.

Ugh, not really.

The thing about _this_  summer that made it different from any other was that Dave didn’t spend a lot of time with you! Unlike 8th grade year--when you guys had these mega rad sleepovers hehe—he just didn’t hang around you as much! And you guess maybe it’s your fault, you can be annoying at times, but he was your best friend! You knew that was really selfish of you, but on the weekends that he wasn’t having a Bro sleepover with you, he was out with Jade watching a movie or something.

Ugh, ew! Romance is groosss.

But hey! Let’s not get anything wrong!! Jade was a really, really nice girl, and you loved her to death, but Dave was _your_  best friend, shouldn’t you deserve most of his attention? Pfft, whatever. It’s not like you care that much! She can keep him! You’ve got Rose. And she keeps you company, especially during study hall when Jade and Dave are in the corner of the hallway doing couple-y things like holding hands or nuzzling noses or some stupid stuff.

Ugh, he’s been such a softy ever since he started dating her.

High school is so dumb.

But the good thing is that you think they haven’t kissed yet, so yeah. Phew, right? He hasn’t gotten _too_  attached to her. You don’t know why you mind it so much. But at least he’s still yours in a way.

~0~

You tapped your notebook with your pencil incessantly and looked over at Rose with an annoyed huff before beginning your retort. “Rose you’re being so nosy!”

“I have yet to receive an answer, Johnathan.”

“But I don’t _have_  to tell you!”

“Of course, but it is suggested that you do, considering it would aid me in understanding your predicament further.”

“Ughh, Rooose.”

“John.” She gave you a look that reminded you of a mother scolding her petulant child.

You huffed. “Fine.”

Rose smiled. “Thank you. Now, you may begin.”

You nodded before putting down your pencil and fumbling with your fingers a bit. “Okay well, you know how Dave and Jade are… you know...” You made vague hand motions and bit your lip.

You tapped your fingers on your notebook and said your next few words in nearly a whisper. “…like, dating?”

“Yes, the two of them are dating, John.” Rose looked at you with a bemused look. You could understand that though, you had known about their relationship weeks before they actually told anyone. You were the only one Dave had told before news spread heh. (That actually made you feel pretty important. You mean, the _first_  one to know about Jade and Dave's relationship? Hell yes!)

“Yeah, uh dating! Well—I mean, uh… hm. Um…”

Rose gave you time to think, waiting patiently for your answer.

“Well, haven’t you noticed that they’ve been hanging out together like a lot?”

“That is what people in relationships seem to do, yes.” Rose gave you look that made it seem as if she knew exactly where this was heading.

“No, but like! A _lot_  a lot!”

“Yes that is how dating works, John.”

“Ughhh I knoww! But, still!”

“I understand you have nearly no eloquence with words bu--”

“Ruude.”

“ _But_ ”, she continued. “Would you care to simply provide me with the problem you seem to be facing? You seem hesitant.”

“Okay it’s just, like, uh. I don’t know, like, he just.” Rose waited patiently for your answer. You took a minute to put together what you were going to say and then began. “I guess this summer Dave didn’t really hang out with me as much as I wanted him to.” Rose hummed softly and motioned for you to continue.

“We only had like, two Super Cool Awesome Sleepovers! And even then, he was always texting Jade on his phone.”

“Go on?”

“Everyone’s just obsessing over Dave and Jade. And I dunno, I just wish he would spend a little more time with me is all. You know, it’s just that since everyone was blabbering about how they would be ‘ _perfect_ ’ for each other,” You scrunched up your nose in disgust. “they got together and I feel, I don’t know, I guess I feel…” You trailed off and gnawed at your bottom lip.

“Possibly—and this is of course simply a gentle push in a possibly correct direction—but do you suppose you may be experiencing jealousy?”

“What? No! Jade is one of my best friends and I love her to death, uh—but not in that way!! I’m really okay with Dave dating her, it’s just…”

“John, I was suggesting that you were jealous of the amount of time Dave is spending with her. I’m already quite aware that you don’t possess romantic feelings towards Jade.”

“Okay, well… even then! I’m not jealous.”

“Are you quite sure?”

“…”

“John, you are jealous. There is no use in me helping you if you won’t accept the answer that is already quite apparent.”

“I’m not jealous!!”

“But you are envious of the time that Jade gets to spend with Dave.”

“Well. Yeah.”

“And you feel like he’s not talking to you as much as he used to.”

“...”

“John, you’re jealous.”

“Yeah okay maybe.”

Rose sighed softly in exasperation and looked at you with an eyebrow raised. “John, what I suggest you do is simply tell Dave. Although you may sound a bit irritated, I think it would be best for him to know.”

“..Okay. Fine, I’ll talk to him.” You sit back against the wall once again and resume scribbling math problems in your notebook.

~0~

==>You are now Dave Strider. Currently, you are holding hands and talking with your girlfriend rather than doing any real studying in study hall.

Jade prodded you in the side with her pencil. “Dave, have I ever told you how dumb it is that you keep your shades on? Even indoors?”

“Yes, Jade. You have told me that multiple times today. Come on, calm your tits, girl.”

“No, my tits cannot be calmed!” You laughed softly at her. She could be the most adorable person at times. “You need to take those off once in awhile, mister!”

“Or else?” You question jokingly while raising an eyebrow.

“Or else…hmm... This!” Jade smacked you on the shoulder with her pencil, but not hard enough to hurt.

In the corner of your eye, you see John arguing with Rose about something and nervously tapping his notebook with a pencil. You pretend not to notice that he’s packing up his stuff and beginning to walk towards you and Jade.

You focus back on Jade and feign hurt, dramatically covering your “hurt” shoulder. “Oh Jade, how you have wounded me. I thought you cared about me, dear Harley. Today is the day I die, child. I can see death coming to claim me.”

Jade giggled, obviously amused at your  theatrical performance, and placed her hand ontop of yours. “Hehe, get up, you weenie. I’m _sure_  you’ve gone through a lot worse, loser.”

“Ah, but I have not. You see that was the most painful experience I think I’ve ever been in. Now it is time for my injuries to completely overcome me, Harley. It is too late.”

You see John scrunch his nose up in disgust as he nears the two of you. Good. He’s jealous.

You continue with your act, completely lying on the carpet by now. “Jade, oh now who will save me? I can feel life slipping from my fingertips. I’m going to die right here. Right on this cheap piece of carpet in this goddamned school.”

Jade rolled her eyes at your exaggeration and crawled on top of you, abandoning the two chemistry textbooks at her side. Her jet black hair hung in front of her face as she looked down at you with forest green irises. With her face so close, you can see her eyelashes pressing up against her glasses. She gnawed at her bottom lip and looked down at your mouth. “I think I know a way to wake you up, my dear sir.”

Your eyes widened slightly with the realization of what she was aiming to do.

She leaned closer, her lips nearly brushing against your own, until you heard John clearing his throat. You sat up calmly while Jade had nearly jumped and immediately gotten off of you. Her eyes were wide with surprise and her cheeks burned red as she turned towards John and sat in silence, avoiding his gaze. You could nearly see how John was holding back his urge to stare daggers at Jade.

“Hey Dave. Jade.” John looked over at you and raised an eyebrow. “Sorry for interrupting by the way. Seemed like the two of you were gonna do some serious stuff.”

“Nah man, it’s no big deal.” You shrugged as Jade looked away and began putting her books back into her backpack.

You stood up and fist-bumped John as he mumbled out an annoyed, “we need to talk.”

The corner of your lips twitched up into an amused smirk and you replied smoothly, “Go on?”

By the time John got to saying his response, Jade was halfway across the hallway, bounding over to go talk to Rose—probably about how her grandpa got new shotguns the other day. Surprisingly no real ammo was bought, but her family seemed to like the aesthetic of guns; it made them seem cool and shit. You could respect that.

“I don’t really like how you...” John started off—ah yes, always the one to never really know how to put his thoughts into words—as he gave weird flipping motions with his hands, as if you could get his point just by staring at his fidgeting.

“Use your words.” You said smarmily, damn you were sassy and you loved it.

John brushed off your snarky attitude and continued. “I don’t really like how you’re spending so much time with Jade.”

Damn.

Well, you were expecting something completely different.

Something more along the lines of ‘Dave I kind of really like you and I know you and Jade are together, but I really, really want you I’m super homo for you I am the number one gay, good gay best friend shit let’s get married.’

Okay maybe not but one can only dream.

You simply settle for raising an eyebrow and giving a questioning hum. “Which means?”

“I feel like we should be spending more time together! We’re best bros and stuff, right? So we should do best bro things together! I only ever get to talk to you on pesterchum because all you do at school is just hold Jade’s hand and flaunt your relationship _everywhere_.” John finished with an annoyed huff.

Oh.

So that’s what this was about.

Yeah, you may or may not have completely, fully, 100% noticed that you haven’t been spending enough time with John. But it’s just that you physically can’t.

You cannot stay in the same room as that in-need-of-orthodontic-attention-right-the-fuck-now smile, or as those glimmering and affable cerulean irises. You physically can’t. Because although you will not admit that you like him like that, you know that if you stay with him for much longer, you’re going to fall for him. And shit, what’s worse? Having a crush on your best bro, realizing it, and having to deal with it everyday? Or just ignoring it and pretending to put your love into one of your closest friends that you see more as a sister than a girlfriend?

(Spoiler fucking alert: both options are equally terrible, but only does the first option hurt more than getting hit by a sixteen-wheeler on the goddamn freeway _and surviving_ )

You choose the second option.

“Dude, it’s fine. Harley’s one of a kind. I really like her, Egbert; could you hold off just a little longer? I’ll hang out with you more, soon, and we can have the best fucking sleepovers this part of the world’s ever seen. Promise.”

John seemed to ponder over the statement and he shrugged his shoulders before muttering out a short reply. “Do you swear?”

You hold out your hand, bring up your pinky, and wiggle it slightly. “I swear so hard that the most sheltered man on Earth would fall apart. Pinky promise, dude.”

John gave a little smile and nodded, satisfied. He curled his pinky around your own and squeezed it gently.

“Alright. Pinky promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I'm back with a new update! (So sorry for the delay and for the shortness of this chapter, goodness I really am a disgrace to all writers) I've been having a few personal problems, so I'm really, really sorry that this is coming out so late. But yeah, I hope you all are enjoying this so far!

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by some of my own personal life events and some of the stuff I'm experiencing right now. I thought it would be cool to try something new. Specifically, something that did not have a happy ending. 
> 
> I'm not sure if it's bound to make anyone cry, but that has always been a long-term goal of mine--create a sadstuck fanfic that makes people cry. Ah yes, I am satan.
> 
> Anyways! Just a warning, this multi-chaptered story will update very, very slowly. I have school to deal with and I feel that that's enough of an excuse for anything. Also, even though I have basically everything planned out, I critique my own work more than anything, so even if this sucks, this was the result of many days of editing. Frowny face. 
> 
> So, that being said, I don't have an update schedule for this fic. Will it update? Will it be given up on? Shrugs. 
> 
> All I know is that I'm pretty passionate about it right now, and I would hate to leave anyone hanging. 
> 
> Additionally!! I have a playlist to go along with this fanfic, and each chapter is named after a song that inspired it or relates to it. So if anyone likes cute/sad indie songs, I'll be linking the songs. 
> 
> If you have any questions, suggestions, concerns, etc. you can leave a comment below OR you can go to my tumblr: "st-nickoleptic", and shoot me an ask! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading, I appreciate any and all comments and kudos <3


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